Tag Archives: weight gain

Fat man blogging

21 May

A new work week begins–Fun!

I have made a real effort to be organized this morning. I got the brilliant idea of getting everything together to leave for work before I sit down to have coffee and write. In theory, this means I can jump up from my completed blog, throw a couple of things in my backpack, pull out the bike and hit the road just as soon as I am finished posting the blog.

Usually I reverse that. I sit down, drink coffee, blog, notice the time, shout OMG! and then run in circles for more than several minutes. It is a pathetic sight to behold.

Then, oops, I am too late to workout at the gym! Shucks. Tsk tsk.

That has really got to stop.

Here’s why–I am fat.

How fat am I? None of your damn business!

But I can tell you I am fat enough that my largest pants are too tight on me. This is what you call a “pants crisis.” Why? Well, because in so many situations in life, I am obligated to wear pants.

Maybe some of you have one of those cushy, pants-optional jobs, but I do not.

Which reminds me, did you know in California it is illegal for an employer to ban the wearing of pants for any one group of people? You can ban everyone from wearing pants or you can ban no one from wearing pants, but it is one or the other. Fortunately, when my employer ventured into California, this law did not upset our business model. Pants all ’round!

I remember an episode of The Simpsons wherein Homer purposely gained weight so his employer would have to accommodate his morbid obesity as a handicap and let him work from home. Homer started wearing a mu mu and, being Homer, he left his home workstation under the care of one those drinking bird things with the little felt hat. Homer’s at home job required him to push one button on a keyboard at certain intervals, so the drinking bird was pretty capable of handling the job.  Unfortunately, the bird fell over, failing to push the button and hilarity ensued. It is a cartoon, after all.

I don’t want to replace pants with a mu mu. I know without having tried it, that it is not a good look for me. I just want the pants I already own to stop trying to severe me in two.

I know there is another option–buy new pants. I don’t like that option. First of all, I hate shopping for pants. Secondly, I would have to buy a LARGER size. somehow that just feels like a slippery slope leading to daily consumption of a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts and the next thing you know, I am fused to the couch.

I really wasn’t intending to confess all of this in my blog. But it is on my mind, so this is what came out. Now that it is “out there” that means there are other people who are aware that I am angsting over this, so I will feel more accountable for my actions.

“Oh, sure, Bill. Reach for that Snickers bar. It will make for a delightful anecdote in tomorrow’s blog. Wash it down with some bourbon and a shot of half and half while you’re at it.”

That was an example of my conscience speaking there. He talks to me all the time, but is usually drowned out by the other voices. As you can see, my conscience is very sarcastic. I have no idea where he gets that from…

If you struggle with weight issues, I would never mock you mercilessly the way I am more than willing to mock myself. So, please don’t be offended by any of the heartless digs and fat jokes I may throw my own direction.

So, I am off to the gym this morning. Working out for the first time in much too long. Giving up the Snickers and bourbon (although they are two of nature’s most perfect comfort foods) and other delicacies from the Couch Fusing Food Group.

Wish me luck.

Happy Monday!

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