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Why I am not a criminal

17 Jan

Where did the weekend go? I had it right here and then *poof* it sort of vanished into thin air.

More accurately it didn’t go *poof* so much as it slipped through my fingers, leaving me standing here with weekend residue on my fingers…

Screw the metaphor–weekend is over, that’s all I know.

My long time bachelor companion is now recouping from the cold that I am more or less finally over. “You brought this into this house!” he accused me in a raspy voice, between bouts of coughing up the most unspeakably colored phlegm. Fortunately he just happened to have a doctor’s appointment on Friday and the doctor confirmed what I pretty much already knew–it is just a bad cold. Not the flu, the bird flu, the swine flu or the bubonic plague. So glad to have dodged those bullets.

While the man friend was feeling poorly, I was finally feeling like myself again, so I got in a couple of bike rides, despite the cool weather.  Also got in a little reading. And fun stuff like laundry. Mustn’t forget the fun stuff.

And, to no one’s surprise, I watched movies. I saw “Valley of the Dolls” via Netflix instant queue. This may have been the first time I saw that movie from beginning to end, uncut. What can I say about “Valley of the Dolls” that hasn’t already been said? They don’t make them like that any more. There is much to learn from “Valley of the Dolls” but of course the most important message remains: “Broadway doesn’t go for booze and dope.”

We also watched “Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels” and “Two Hands”. These two movies are both from one off my favorite genres–someone gets in over his head with a mobster, then has to pull a heist to get enough money to bail himself out of the mess and in the course of doing so, gets into a bigger mess.  The hapless heroes of these kind of movies is usually a good guy at heart. And a very bad criminal.The world seems to be full of bad criminals.

I get the impression from reading the news that most criminals are pretty stupid. No offense to the fine folks in law enforcement, but I get the impression most cases are not cracked thanks to clever detective work but are, in fact, solved because the people who commit crimes are just not that bright.

For example, locally we had a sting of robberies–convenience stores and a bank or two. Three people involved. So one of these criminal masterminds was driving down a major street in town, in the same car she used as their get away car during the bank heist, but she disguised it by putting a stolen license plate on it. Some random policeman, driving down that same major street, ran the plate, found out it was stolen and pulled her over. In the car they found the baseball cap this lady wore during the bank robbery along with a box of loot from the bank.  This lady criminal then sang like a bird  and the police went and arrested the other two robbers. Case closed.

Which is why I have a regular job and am not a criminal. I think being a criminal would be really stressful. So many details to keep straight (driving getaway car with stolen license plate down Hendricks Avenue is a bad idea? Who knew?) and I am sure I’d forget some key detail and find myself in the slammer in 15 minutes. That would suck because I am sure they don’t have access to the Netflix instant queue in jail. That’s all the deterrent I need.

Did I mention it is also raining this morning? Well, it is.

Happy Monday anyway…


Dreaming is free (or is it?)

12 Jan

Good morning from the only state in the union that does not currently have snow. I just read this fun fact (yes, even Hawaii has snow– atop Mauna Kea on the Big Island) and I thought I’d share. Usually Florida is in the news because someone in our fair state has done some remarkably jacked up thing, so it is nice to be noted once again for nothing more dramatic than our allegedly mild weather. (It is still plenty cold in my neck of the woods…)

I missed blogging yesterday. I had a bad night of coughing and when the alarm went off, I decided to call in sick. And so I did. Then I just pretty much laid in bed all day. I hope I have turned the corner on this whole cold/cough thing at last.

We watched the movie “Inception” last night. That was some wild stuff. The concept of the movie is that people can slip into your dreams and get information about you. And if they can do that, they can slip into your dreams and plant thoughts in your head. It takes a lot of work to do this, mind you (and a team of like, 12 people or something) but if this movie is to believed, it can be done.

Most likely, this movie is fiction. But if it were possible, I am not so worried about the info people might steal from my dreams. (Isn’t it easier to hack into my Internet accounts than my dreams? Far less disturbing in the long run too, I’m sure…) I am wondering if you could hire these people to plant the thoughts you need to have dominating your life:

“You will only eat low calorie, low fat food, and your will LOVE it!’

“Working out is wonderful!”

“Saving money is sexy!”

Things like that.

I am pretty sure if Ellen Page or Joseph-Gordon Levitt or Leonardo DiCaprio came tromping through my dreams with a message like that, I might listen. I’d especially listen to Ellen Page. She seems wise beyond her years in every role she plays. Have you seen “Juno”? Great actress.

“Inception” aside, there are supposed to be a number of things we can do ourselves to influence our dreams. Ways to help yourself remember, ways to suggest or program dream content, and the whole lucid dreaming thing which involves recognizing you are dreaming and then shaping the story line. I’d love to be able to do that.

I had some dreams last night, but I don’t remember them. I do remember this dream from the night before. My boss was at my house for dinner–only it wasn’t really my house. She wanted to know where we keep our lawn mowers and then she demanded some chocolate. When I told her we didn’t really have any chocolate, she pushed the subject, and my partner offered to get her some Swiss Miss. “Now that’s chocolate!” she said. Only now she wasn’t my boss anymore, she was Liza Minnelli. Or someone imitating Liza Minnelli. Then she was gone and there was a chorus of people in her place–all wearing sunglasses. And they repeated what she said, “Now that’s chocolate!” as my partner served mugs of Swiss Miss all around.

Where does this stuff come from? Since I’m gay, you probably think I dream about Liza Minnelli all the time. But I don’t. And why was she so interested in my lawn mowers and demanding Swiss Miss?

Maybe the whole “Inception” thing is more real that I thought. Maybe advertisers have latched on to it. That’s why Liza Minnelli is hocking Swiss Miss in my dreams—advertisers are sending Liza Minnelli and who knows who else into our dreams to sell instant coco and maybe even lawn mowers.

Like Blondie sang, “Dreaming is free.”

Something to think about.

Have a wonderful Wednesday.

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