I Drove All Night, or something

13 Apr

What have I been doing all night? I presume, sleeping, because when I was so rudely awakened by the alarm, I was, after all, in my bed. However, I feel exhausted, like I have been working instead of sleeping.

I do sometimes take one of those sleeping pills that made the news because people who take them sometimes do weird things in their sleep, like drive. I wonder if that happened to me?

Could it be, like the song says, I drove all night?

I bet that’s what happened! I don’t know where I drove to, but apparently–letting the song be my guide–I was trying to get to somebody.

Then I crept in your room/Woke you from your sleep/to make love to you. Is that alright? I drove all night.

That’s kind of a creepy lyric, if you think about it. I woke you up so you’d have sex with me and only after we’re done do I even bother to ask if you mind. Sure, this fever for you is just burning me up inside, but, really, that just sounds “stalky” to me.

Frankly, I don’t want anyone waking me up from a dead sleep for any damn reason–not even to make love. You’re driving all night with that plan in mind, I suggest you pull over at a rest stop and take care of the situation the best way you can, wait until sun-up and then send me an email. Not a text message, I said send me an email. Then you just wait to hear from me.

Surprise nocturnal visits are only sexy in pop songs and movies. In real life, creeping into someone’s room while they are asleep is just rude. It’ll get you shot is what it will do.

Roy Orbison did I Drove All Night.  He was an amazing musical talent, but can you imagine being awakened from a dead sleep by Roy Orbison?

Cyndi Lauper also did a cover of this song. I love Cyndi but I don’t want her waking me up either. She can just quietly crawl in the bed and cuddle. In the morning we’ll go out for breakfast. Sorry you drove all night and that’s all you got, Cyndi, but really, you should have known I was gay–I’m a fan of yours after all. I would have thought you’d have seen my true colors shining through. You know? But to be clear, I will be more than happy to pick up the check for breakfast.

Celine Dion also recorded I Drove All Night. I don’t want her creeping in under any circumstances. Celine, just turn around and go back, girl. No cuddling. No breakfast. Get thee back to Vegas!

Dammit. Now that song will be stuck in my head all day! This stream of consciousness thing can be so inconvenient.

Like I said, I feel especially tired this morning. Like a good night’s sleep has whooped my ass. How can that be? I am almost certain I didn’t even take a sleeping pill last night. So I would have had no logical reason for going off on a somnolent excursion in my car.

I know!

I bet I was astral projecting! I bet my soul left my body and was running around all over heck and back while I was asleep.  Having a good time without me!

That is really the only logical explanation.

Damn, soul. Always having fun when I’m not paying attention.

Now I have to be awake all day while my soul is sleeping off his nocturnal adventures. All day people I encounter will be saying things like, “Dude, you’ve got no soul!” and I’ll have to keep telling them, “I have one. It’s just sleeping. It had a busy night.”

Waking life is hard enough. Why must sleeping come with so much baggage?

Since it is Friday, I will try not to fret about it. I’ll just OD on coffee and try to function without my soul until it wakes up.

Next time, my soul had better take me with him!

Happy Friday!

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