Things bloggers type when they’re not yet awake

28 Mar

I cannot wake up this morning. I took a sleeping pill before bed, but I should have had plenty of time to sleep it off. I didn’t have any alcohol, so that’s not a factor.

Let me suck down some coffee and see if that helps.

The other day I had issues at the Publix pharmacy because I was trying to fill my prescription for Ambien but I had also recently filled a prescription for a different sleeping pill. I am sure neither of these pills has any recreational value, but still “the insurance company” via the computer, was being all moody about approving my refill.

At the risk of sounding like Nealy O’Hara, let me explain that one sleeping pill is a mild pill which was prescribed to me because my insomnia issue usually manifests in me waking up in the middle of the night, unable to go back to sleep. This pill is low dosage, so if you take it at 1am, you can still wake up without being excessively groggy.

The other pill is a time released pill that helps you go to sleep and due to some pharmaceutical time release magic, keeps you asleep throughout the night. (And possibly into the morning and beyond, based on my current experience.) I only take it from time to time. I don’t take both pills on the same night ever.

So, the pharmacist lady was real concerned I am maybe mixing and matching these pills. I assure her nothing could be further from the truth.

She believed me, but the computer kept giving her edits.

Finally I just said, “I don’t actually take these pills at all. I am just hoarding them against the coming Apocalypse.”

The pharmacists eyes got big and she nodded her head because, fortunately, she had an edit override for that one and my prescription went through.

The truth is–and I would never admit this, so I deny that I am even typing it–since I quit drinking for Lent my sleep patterns are pretty solid. When I drank, my sleep patterns were all plaid and paisley, but now when I go to sleep, my ass sleeps.

I may need to extend this no drinking alcohol Lenten experiment a little further. So no Jim Beam in my Easter basket, please.

I did cheat a little this past Friday. I went to a fund raising event at a local micro-brewery. The cause I was there to support got $1 for every beer sold. How could I not buy beer? What was I going to do once I bought it, pour it out?

As we say in the business world, it is better to ask forgiveness than to beg for permission. Of course, the fact that I do not actually celebrate Lent went a long way toward making me feel OK about downing those beers. Believe me, God has seen me do much worse things than that.

Having fallen off the wagon, and knowing that beer is just a gateway beverage to vodka and bourbon, I was a tad worried about what might happen the rest of the weekend. But nothing untoward happened. I have will power–who knew?

Unless someone introduces cup cakes into the situation, then all bets are off. Or oatmeal cookies. I am just a tool for oatmeal cookies. But booze–meh.

I now have managed to mangle my morning routine so completely that I will be driving to work today. I can’t possibly pull my act together, ride my bike, take a shower and get dressed and still be there on time.  I lose that sense of self-satisfaction I get from being “a bicycle commuter”–“really you should do it, I am helping the environment AND being ever so healthy at the same time!”  The people who can now drive to work without passing me pedaling away on my bike are freed from the horrifying thought, “That old f*cker’s gonna fall and break a hip!”

So perhaps it all balances out somehow.

Knowing I am driving gives me the false sense that I have way more time to play with than I really do.

I am lucky to live so close to my job. If I take 95, I can be there in like 5 minutes. But I am not going to take 95 because there are a lot of cars on 95—after all, that is what an interstate is for. Those cars go fast and I don’t like all this “rush, rush” stuff in the morning.

Plus, everyone on that interstate is not just driving–they’re driving and talking on the phone, texting, putting hot sauce on their breakfast burritos, fiddling with the radio. playing Angry Birds, resetting their iPad to shuffle, and a thousand other activities.

Most people must think driving is pretty dull since they’ve all taken up hobbies to get them through the monotony of propelling a car quickly down the highway.

Not me. I pay attention when I drive. I grip that wheel like an old lady and keep my eyes on the damn road. The only hobby I engage in while driving is criticizing other people’s driving. Lots of material to work with there. I also mock their bumper stickers and vanity license plates.

Life is rich.

Good news–I think I am finally awake. I have found that wakefulness helps improve the odds that the whole driving experience go off without a hitch.

Having been off on Monday, I will be spending the week thoroughly confused as to what day it is. This has an up side–“What-Wednesday already?!” so I am not really complaining. Except I do have a lot of work to do.

That’s another thing about my job, they give me a lot of work to do. Since I work in Human Resources, in addition to the work I am assigned, there are also lots of surprises! But they do pay me and I am such a fan of having an income, I can’t tell you. Plus, there’s the benefits. Medical, dental and, of course,  the sweet, sweet pharmacy benefits.

How else could I afford to hoard pills against the coming Apocalypse? It pays to plan, people.

Happy Wednesday!

2 Responses to “Things bloggers type when they’re not yet awake”

  1. Pamela N Red March 28, 2012 at 9:24 am #

    I’m hoarding books and jewelry for the Apocalypse. I’ll have plenty to do and hopefully jewelry will work as currency.

  2. Mary Atwood March 29, 2012 at 9:49 am #

    This is just about the funniest thing ever!

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