Going to the Emergency Room

25 Aug

It has been so long since I blogged, I swear when I tried to log-in, WordPress sent me back a message that read, “Where the hell have you been?”

OK, that didn’t happen, but considering the weirdness of my life right now, I see no reason why it couldn’t occur.

If you are one of the kind people who has read my blog before, you may recall my last posting in which I observed that my blogging had been waylaid by the arrival of a dog. I said something about how I am someone who clings to routine and when my routine is shaken up, I lose it a little.

The Universe apparently read that blog and, being the playful Universe that it is, said–“Ha Ha. Gets freaked out when his routine gets shaken up? Well, take this!” (Followed by zapping noises or whatever sound effects you want to fill in…)

My Significant Other, who for blog purposes we will call Joseph (for that is his actual first name, though he doesn’t use it because he hates it when people turn it into “Joe” ) has not been feeling well for several weeks. I am not really even sure when it started. He has been weak and loses steam very quickly. He has also been complaining that nothing tastes right. Everything tastes like cardboard.

At first his doctor thought it might be a drug interaction, so he tinkered with Joseph’s meds. The taste bud malfunction was chalked up to some anti-biotics Joseph had been taking. The doctor asked him to come back in a week.

By the time he returned to the doctor’s office, Joseph was also complaining of a pain in his right side. He was pretty sure this was caused by too much laying in bed, but Joseph, being the consummate hypochondriac, also speculated that he had a hernia. The doctor took x-rays, which revealed nothing, so he sent Joseph for a CT scan.

The scan was on a Thursday. Joseph had to drink some sort of berry flavored barium or something. When I got home from work Joseph had a weird look on his face. It was similar to the look he has when he has brought home a stray animal, so I looked around for a new dog, cat, raccoon–whatever. I didn’t find anything.

“Did you have the scan?”


“What did they tell you?”

“They told me to go to the hospital immediately. I have acute appendicitis.”

I immediately suggested we “pack a little bag” and get his ass to the ER.

“Don’t rush me. I need to think about what I want to do,” was his reply.

Joseph is a bit complicated. And by “complicated”, I mean “crazy.” He is a hypochondriac, but when faced with an actual diagnosis, he wants to act like he is in charge. Years ago he broke his hip. It took me two days to convince him to go to the hospital.

Finally, Joseph said he wanted to go see his own doctor. Fortunately, his office is in the neighborhood. The doctor told him in no uncertain terms to go to the ER. Joseph asked if he couldn’t just go tomorrow. The doctor said he wouldn’t recommend waiting.

I should explain that the scan had revealed that Joseph’s appendix was inflamed, but not in imminent risk of bursting. As it was explained to him, Joseph apparently has a very good immune system and his body has been fighting this thing pretty well. His body has enveloped the area with some sort of puss pocket and this may have been going on for weeks. So, Joseph figured, “hey–what’s one more day?”

So, he didn’t go to the hospital that Thursday night. He promised he’d go to the ER the next day.

On Friday, I sent an email to my boss that I might be late or not come in at all. I prodded Joseph to wake up. Then I packed the a little bag for him, and urged him into the van for the trip to the hospital.

“I want to eat  lunch first,” he insisted.

We went to a nearby Chinese fast food restaurant where we enjoyed some won ton soup and fried dumplings.

Finally, we were on our way to the Emergency Room.

I parked the van. We gathered Joseph’s stuff and began walking toward the entrance to the hospital. I was only a few steps ahead of him. Something made me turn around.

When I looked back, Joseph wasn’t there.

Actually, he was there. He just wasn’t in my line of sight. When I adjusted my line of sight and looked down on the ground, I found him. I was looking at the concrete and the back of Joseph’s head. He had tripped and fallen face first in the parking lot on his way to the Emergency Room.

My mind went into some sort of altered state at this point. Possibly it was a defense intended to stave off panic. I remained eerily calm. I was helped by the fact that a gaggle of nursing students were making their way across the parking lot in our general direction at the precise moment that Joseph took his nose dive into the parking lot. They instantly ran toward us en masse.

They were all over Joseph like white on rice. Or pigs in slop. Or, something. “Are you alright, sir?” I think they were very excited to find some random person who might need first aid. To a person, they had a gleam in their individual and collective eye.

I think one reason I didn’t panic was because very shortly after it registered in my mind that I was looking at the back of Joseph’s head and he was face down on the ground, I heard him speak. The words he spoke were not very pretty, but I knew from the profound cussing that was coming from him that Joseph was relatively OK. The GD’s and the Mo Fo’s were flying, so I knew Joseph wasn’t dying.

When the nurslings helped Joseph sit up, there seemed like an awful lot of blood. His head, his nose, his mouth were dripping like he was one of those vampires on True Blood right after a feeding frenzy.

“He was on his way to the ER,” I said. “He has appendicitis.”  There was a flurry of activity. A security guard on a golf cart arrived. Then someone brought out a wheelchair. I followed as someone briskly wheeled Joseph into the hospital, through a maze of corridors, into the waiting area of the Emergency Room.

Only, they didn’t stop there.

If you want to get instant service in an Emergency Room, I suggest you fall down in the hospital parking lot and show up at the door of the ER a bloody mess. They’ll put you in an examining room so fast your head will swim.

And so, we made it to the ER.

But the adventure was only just beginning….


6 Responses to “Going to the Emergency Room”

  1. Pamela N Red August 25, 2011 at 10:54 am #

    OMG! and bless your heart. I hope he is okay. That is so scary. I’ll stay tuned for the next episode because like a good soap opera you have me on the edge of my seat.

  2. Gay Groom August 25, 2011 at 11:00 am #

    Well I suppose if one is going to do a faceplant, a hospital is the best place to do it. Hopefully he didn’t need surgery on his nose and teeth as well. I think I would have nagged my husband until he went to the hospital (I’m a great nagger, actually) and if that didn’t work, hysterics would have been my backup. Hope all is well!

  3. ravnostic August 25, 2011 at 11:39 am #



  4. Fred Lehman August 25, 2011 at 1:09 pm #

    I with Pamala OMG I do hope everything goes well. I’m watching the news and on top of all that there is an ill wind blowing. Take care I’m sending some Reiki your way.

  5. Lyndsay ~ The Kitchen Witch August 25, 2011 at 10:25 pm #

    I’m with Rav. You had me at nurslings. Actually you had me long before that. I had to read it out loud to Vaughan because I believe you are married to a bizarro version of me. GREAT blog! And, seriously, tell “Joseph” I send him my love.

  6. Jane from SW Ohio August 29, 2011 at 11:48 am #

    Since this comment is a bit late, I certainly hope that the face was not a large factor of the ER need and the appendix is now out of Joseph and back home recouperating. What a way to start your Birthday weekend!! Wishing “life” has slowed down a bit for both of you.

    Jane from Ohio

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