Why I am not a criminal

17 Jan

Where did the weekend go? I had it right here and then *poof* it sort of vanished into thin air.

More accurately it didn’t go *poof* so much as it slipped through my fingers, leaving me standing here with weekend residue on my fingers…

Screw the metaphor–weekend is over, that’s all I know.

My long time bachelor companion is now recouping from the cold that I am more or less finally over. “You brought this into this house!” he accused me in a raspy voice, between bouts of coughing up the most unspeakably colored phlegm. Fortunately he just happened to have a doctor’s appointment on Friday and the doctor confirmed what I pretty much already knew–it is just a bad cold. Not the flu, the bird flu, the swine flu or the bubonic plague. So glad to have dodged those bullets.

While the man friend was feeling poorly, I was finally feeling like myself again, so I got in a couple of bike rides, despite the cool weather.  Also got in a little reading. And fun stuff like laundry. Mustn’t forget the fun stuff.

And, to no one’s surprise, I watched movies. I saw “Valley of the Dolls” via Netflix instant queue. This may have been the first time I saw that movie from beginning to end, uncut. What can I say about “Valley of the Dolls” that hasn’t already been said? They don’t make them like that any more. There is much to learn from “Valley of the Dolls” but of course the most important message remains: “Broadway doesn’t go for booze and dope.”

We also watched “Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels” and “Two Hands”. These two movies are both from one off my favorite genres–someone gets in over his head with a mobster, then has to pull a heist to get enough money to bail himself out of the mess and in the course of doing so, gets into a bigger mess.  The hapless heroes of these kind of movies is usually a good guy at heart. And a very bad criminal.The world seems to be full of bad criminals.

I get the impression from reading the news that most criminals are pretty stupid. No offense to the fine folks in law enforcement, but I get the impression most cases are not cracked thanks to clever detective work but are, in fact, solved because the people who commit crimes are just not that bright.

For example, locally we had a sting of robberies–convenience stores and a bank or two. Three people involved. So one of these criminal masterminds was driving down a major street in town, in the same car she used as their get away car during the bank heist, but she disguised it by putting a stolen license plate on it. Some random policeman, driving down that same major street, ran the plate, found out it was stolen and pulled her over. In the car they found the baseball cap this lady wore during the bank robbery along with a box of loot from the bank.  This lady criminal then sang like a bird  and the police went and arrested the other two robbers. Case closed.

Which is why I have a regular job and am not a criminal. I think being a criminal would be really stressful. So many details to keep straight (driving getaway car with stolen license plate down Hendricks Avenue is a bad idea? Who knew?) and I am sure I’d forget some key detail and find myself in the slammer in 15 minutes. That would suck because I am sure they don’t have access to the Netflix instant queue in jail. That’s all the deterrent I need.

Did I mention it is also raining this morning? Well, it is.

Happy Monday anyway…


6 Responses to “Why I am not a criminal”

  1. Mike January 17, 2011 at 7:07 am #

    To top off the fact that it is indeed Monday again, it’s supposed to rain so the song of choice fits! Even if Monday became part of the weekend we soon would be saying, oh damn it’s Tuesday already.

    Thank you for not sharing the specific colors of your live-in’s phlegm. I believe in closeness but that would be too much even for me. My world is surrounded also by those with “colds” but under their self-diagnosis I would be reading their eulogy if their their diagnosis were accurate.

    Here’s hoping your Monday brings health, sunshine and minimal hacking from you know who. 🙂

  2. That Weather Girl January 17, 2011 at 7:18 am #

    I think we both would make terrible criminals. I am far too easily distracted. For example, if we were robbing a liquor store, I would be pointing out the large selection of martini mixes instead of making a fast getaway. At a bank, I would be checking the interest rates on CDs. Convenience store – candy bars.

    And yes, it is raining. On my holiday.

  3. Tom January 17, 2011 at 7:57 am #

    Your return to writing is a very good thing. Had to comment on this one because it mentions two of my favorite things – Netflix, and “Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels”. I will eventually watch it enough to actually decipher the dialogue.

  4. Fred January 17, 2011 at 9:01 am #

    I know committing crimes is getting to be a hassle. Just the other day I was in the liquor store trying to hold it up when I noticed I had forgot to bring my gun. LOL

  5. Gay Groom January 17, 2011 at 9:54 am #

    It’s minus 20 in Toronto – I’d take rain. I gotta find out what this Netflix thing is!

  6. Pamela N Red January 17, 2011 at 10:27 am #

    There are some really dumb robbers. A local DJ was making fun of one that robbed a bank asking for the money all in 40’s and 60’s. He should at least educate himself on what he is stealing.

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