Working Out with Billy Joel

6 Nov

It is early and the sun hasn’t yet made an appearance.

I am at the gym, engrossed in the elliptical machine.

This is pretty much what I look like on the elliptical machine except I am marginally older (ahem) and not quite so Asian.

I am skiing in place, pumping my legs, listening to Billy Joel on my MP3 player.

NO, it isn’t an iPod. I am not a tool of electronic consumer goods.

I am a cheap bastard…

Billy Joel is one of those singers who was right there, writing the soundtrack of my life during some really key moments…Virginity was lost…certain drugs might (or might not!) have been taken…Billy was right there…

I try to focus on Billy and on the workout.

I try to ignore the array of televisions. The sound is off but the images are right in my line of vision. Those images are like a vortex that yanks at my eyeballs.

I work to resist the sucking force of the television screens…

Television totally sucks. I mean that literally…

TV 1 is broadcasting an episode of “Angel.”

I have never actually watched that show, but because it is shown on a cable channel early in the morning when I tend to be at the gym, I am pretty sure I have glimpsed nearly every episode by now.

Something I have learned about “Angel” is, if you watch long enough, David Boreanaz is liable to take off his shirt.

TV2 is on ESPN.

ESPN is a cable channel that covers the various sports people in America like to watch. I am not really a sports fan, so I have no idea what these people are talking about. They often interview athletes or, as I like to think of them, men who are paid to play with balls. I know there are women athletes who are also paid to play with balls, but I don’t see them as often on this channel. What’s that about?! Also, they often run sexy men’s deodorant commercials. And razor commercials in which shirtless hunks transform the shaving experience into a studly magical adventure. I find I like these commercials…

It’s like some pornographic magazine
And you smile…

TV3 is on Fox News.

For some reason this is the only one of the TVs that includes closed captioning.

Let me just say, I find closed captioning to be a major rip off. Have you ever turned it on? The deaf are getting screwed, that’s all I have to say about that. From where I sit (or ski, when at the gym…) the people who type this stuff are the laziest people in the world. I swear sometimes they just fall asleep on the job and their lazy heads hit the keyboard and the next thing you know you’re reading:RHHHHHHHHHHWODc pusfpqu -9rutg-9&*^%$*%( 248503by


Anyway, the Fox News network has this morning show called Fox and Friends.

In the name of full disclosure, let me just say, I don’t like morning news shows with the whole chatty group of so called news professionals and an assortment of couches. I find it annoying.

I don’t like Good Morning America.

I don’t like The Today Show.

And I most definitely don’t like Fox and Friends.

All that chatting and coffee drinking on TV. Do we need that? Really?! I don’t think so…

Besides, even with the sound off, I can tell that “Fox and Friends” is one snarky program. It stars this one guy who always looks really smug. Then there’s this other some guy who would be good looking if his eyes weren’t so close together so no matter he says or does, he looks really dumb. These two losers are always accompanied by an interchangeable series of blond women, all of whom most certainly can trace their lineage directly to Eva Braun. Apparently the thrust of this whole show revolves around two themes: 1) Hating the guts of every Democrat who ever lived, and 2) Endless interviews with people who are doing nothing more than promoting more drivel on this so-called “news” channel.

Smug Guy, Eva, and Guy Whose Eyes Are Too Close Together. With friends like this, I’d rather be alone.

Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard…

If these people are “Fair and balanced” then I am “young and thin.”

And I most certainly am not…so I ski faster, waiting for a sexy deodorant ad or (Dammit) for David Boreanaz to take off his shirt!

I am preoccupied with a conversation someone recently had with me involving a conversation they had with someone else.

It would seem that a certain woman revealed that in her opinion I lack compassion and, moreover, I am WAY past the time when someone thinks about having children.

Oh, really? For your information Ms. Generation X, I hear my biological clock ticking with a most hearty beat!

No, wait…That’s just my heart rate all elevated by all this skiing in place….

Never mind. Carry on.

Am I mistaken or did this woman just imply, neigh, as much as say that I am lacking compassion?

Screw that! Who cares?! Am I mistaken or did this woman just imply, neigh, as much as say that I am post-menopausal?!

Oh, really? For your information, my boys swim just fine. I could knock up three, four women this weekend if the situation called for it….


David Boreantaz just took his shirt off….

One moment….

Do you like your life?
Can you find release?
Will you ever change?
Will you ever write your masterpiece?


So the likelihood of me knocking up anyone is pretty remote.

Damn remote. But still…the hormones are flowing, baby!

Sure, I am old enough to be David’s father older brother some what older brother, but the hormones are flowing!


(I make a mental note to ask some young person I might encounter what STFU stands for…and I keep skiing…)

I’m sure you’ll have some cosmic rationale
But here you are in the ninth
Two men out and three men on
Nowhere to look but inside
Where we all respond to

What I find most vexing about getting older is that I don’t really feel “older” in any real sense. You young people (those of you under 45…) you’ll hear this repeated often. All I can say is, Heed the word! Your brain is still stuck in whatever time zone you left it in last (emotionally speaking.) Your brain may be dressing up as Elvis or James Dean….or The New Kids on the Block…

And your mementos
Will turn to dust
But that’s the price you pay
For every year’s a souvenir
That slowly fades away
Every year’s a souvenir
That slowly fades away..

As near as I can tell, our bodies and our brains are way out of sync.

I rarely meet anyone who will cop to their “real age” until they read the list of Grammy nominees and then they are all, “Who are these people?!” And then they blame the Grammy people and not their own brains…

As it should be!

At least that’s the way I deal with things…

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

I went to the doctor recently after a 3 year lapse…Blood has been drawn…Tests are being run….Soon, a man will stick his finger up my ass…

I remember when men used to buy me drinks to get me to go along with this sort of shenanigans and now I am paying a co-payment to Blue Cross Blue Shield for this very same privilege…

None of which proves I am post-menopausal, by the way…

That was so many years ago
Before we all lived here in Florida
Before the Mafia took over Mexico
There are not many who remember
They say a handful still survive
To tell the world about
The way the lights went out
And keep the memory alive.

Ski! Ski! Ski! Ski in place!

I ignore all of the televisions…and I notice that the sun is rising.

A new day.

Who can ask for more?

I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints
Sinners are much more fun…
And only the good die young…

One Response to “Working Out with Billy Joel”

  1. Lyndsay November 6, 2010 at 6:07 pm #

    LOVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!We can be post menopausal together… (eventually ;)Yet again our odd kinship has been revealed. Not 30 minutes ago I was watching an episode of Smallville and noted the fact that The Green Arrow takes of his shirt every single episode. Not that I'm complaining.

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